They say never to judge a book by its cover… or its title, for that matter. So, keeping that in mind, let’s take a completely unprejudiced look at – I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – The Nymphos of Rocky Flats, by Mario Acevedo.
The first and only vampire book to be declassified by the federal government . . .
Felix Gomez went to Iraq a soldier. He came back a vampire.
Now he finds himself pulled into a web of intrigue when an old friend prompts him to investigate an outbreak of nymphomania at the secret government facilities in Rocky Flats. He’ll find out the cause of all these horny women or die trying! But first he must contend with shadowy government agents, Eastern European vampire hunters, and women who just want his body . . .
Skewering sexual myths, conspiracy fables, and government bureaucracy, The Nymphos of Rocky Flats reveals the bizarre world of the undead with a humorous slant and a fresh twist.
Some books have the misfortune of being saddled with very embarrassing titles. Take Bimbos of the Death Sun, for instance. A fine piece of fiction; but if anyone walks up to you and asks what you’re reading, your only sensible course of action is to throw your drink in their face, jump out the window, and go into hiding under an assumed name. Still, we owe it to ourselves to give every book a fair shot, even ones with titles like… ugh… The Nymphos of Rocky Flats.
The vibe I get from the book is that it’s going for a deliberately shlocky pulp vibe, like it’s aiming to be the literary equivalent of a B-movie grindhouse film. Vampires! Aliens! Nymphomaniacs! It just screams tackiness and tawdriness, giving the impression that there’s going to be lots of blood and sex and gore. You’re probably already picturing it in your head: epic fight scenes between alien science and vampire magic, filthy orgies between vampires and mobs of crazed nymphomaniac women…
Well, I hate to disappoint you, but this book is actually almost insultingly tame. There’s lots of sex talk and dirty jokes, but not even a single actual sex scene. How do you write a book about nymphomaniacs without having a sex scene? And while there are aliens and vampires on the opposite side of a conflict, they never actually fight one another. How do you write a book about aliens and vampires without having an alien vs vampire fight scene? You’re doing it wrong!
The title The Nymphos of Rocky Flats practically screams that this is the kind of book you guiltily read by yourself for sick thrills and never tell anyone about; but I’ve read tons of stuff with far more innocuous titles that are far more gritty and hardcore. For actual nasty perverted vampire sex scenes, there’s Void City. For the full gut-churning nastiness of life as an undead, there’s White Trash Zombie. For aliens versus vampires, there’s Valvrave the Liberator. Now there’s a show that’s utterly stupid and ridiculous and yet still enjoyable. Probably because it has balls. Valvrave has a rape scene! That means there’s more sexual activity in goddamned Valrave the Liberator than The Nymphos of Rocky Flats!
This book is like an R-rated movie that has tons of nude scenes but always uses careful camera angles to avoid ever actually showing a nipple. If you’re never actually going to deliver the goods, what’s the goddamn point?
The secondary plotlines don’t really impress, either. Felix is losing his vampiric powers because he refuses to drink human blood, only to finally give in and drink from a love interest when badly injured and facing death? Seras Victoria did it first, and better. And the assassin who was after Felix was never really explained: there was just one throwaway line saying that he was a rogue agent who supposedly died doing freelance covert work in Ecuador. Apparently that’s supposed to answer all our questions about who he was and how he knew Felix’s name and why he was going after Felix like the Terminator after Sarah Connor? And the vampire hunters weren’t really satisfactorily explained, either. They’ve apparently been tracking the alien UFO by following the outbreaks of nymphomania, and surfacing each time it does in order to destroy all vampires in the area… except there’s no connection between vampires and the UFO. The vampire hunters should be statistically no more likely to find vampires during the outbreaks of nymphomania than at any other random place and time, because there’s no connection between the two. And yet, every time that the UFO caused an outbreak of nymphomania, there just so happened to be a local group of vampires for the hunters to find and destroy? That’s one hell of a coincidence. Not to mention, when you’re writing a big conspiracy mystery, “it was all just a freakishly improbable coincidence” is a pretty unsatisfactory ending.
Incidentally, my father was one of the federal employees who worked on the Rocky Flats nuclear waste clean up project. I asked him if he saw any UFOs there. He said no. I suppose that means he must be in on the conspiracy. Maybe I’m in on the conspiracy, too, and this negative review is an attempt to prevent you from reading the book and discovering the truth. Or maybe the book just sucks harder than a thirsty vampire and I’m trying to prevent you from wasting your time on it. The world may never know.
fnord fnord fnord Hail Discordia
Final Rating: 2/5